Will anyone ever even read this?!
Hi, I'm Nikki, and I'm starting a new thing. New for me, not new in general. Unless you've never heard of blogging, just discovered the internet, and don't even know how you found this. Then yeah, it's new and I totally invented it.
Anyway, enough of how cute I am. I wanted to start blogging because I've been wanting to open up more in my videos (I make videos on YouTube, check out the YouTube tab if you're into that), but every time I go to make a relatively "serious" video, I chicken out. I talk myself out of it, because I'd prefer to be known as relatively funny, casual girl, with maybe some dark undertones, but nothing that ever takes me to a real place where I'm forced to confront my own issues, you know? I've opened up a little in my vlogs about depression and anxiety, and my general views on life, but it never gets to deep. Even though, I, in my personal life, tend to get very deep with people. I personally value deep conversations and insights, yet I only seem to be able to bring them to my work if they're masked by heightened humor. Which was great when I started, but I find myself longing for more... connection. I really super badly feel like I want to reach out and relate to people on a non-superficial level. Because that's a big part of why I got into comedy and entertainment in the first place, to relate to others and connect and generally feel less alone. One of my goals this year is to do that more in my videos and in my work, but this to me felt a little less intimidating. I feel like I'm able to articulate my feelings MUCH better in writing than in video. Like when you break up with someone over text rather than in person (NEVER DO THAT BY THE WAY, YOU TRASH MONSTER). It's easier, was what I was trying to say. Poor example. It's like when you are super pissed at someone, so you write all your feelings in a mad email and save to draft instead of talking to them, knowing that after you write it all out you'll be able to see a lot more clearly if it is even worth saying. Yeah. That's what it's like. You're my mad email, and if it relates to you and you get feels from it, well then... maybe it's worth putting in a video one day. Or maybe THIS ends up being more valuable to me than the videos. I DON'T KNOW. I'M WINGING IT HERE. But, yeah, this is like my rough draft. My scratch pad, of thoughts and ideas that I'm putting out into the ether. I don't really know where they're going, but I just know I need to get them out. They've been living in my head, and there's not enough space there. You deal with this now.
But, yeah, this is like my rough draft. My scratch pad, of thoughts and ideas that I'm putting out into the ether. I don't really know where they're going, but I just know I need to get them out.
Wow. That felt really good. I hope it didn't sound too passive-aggressive. If so, it's just stemming from my own insecurities about starting something new. It has nothing to do with you. Plus, I firmly believe no one will read this anyway. And if you're reading this, how do you know that you actually exist. Gotcha.
Whenever I make pancakes, the first one is always terrible. It's uneven, lumpy, and usually burnt. But you have to get that first pancake out of the way to make a stack of delicious ones. This was my first pancake. I hope. Thanks for eating it.
How do I end this? Thought that pancake thing was pretty good. Yeah, should've ended it there. Lots of love! Friend...
Eh.. Happy birthday! If you had one. In the past 6 months. Plus or minus 6 months. Yep, this is a downward spiral of an ending. Okay. Goodbye.
Please stop reading, I don't know when this will actually end.
Thank you!
Have a great week!
End.
Weekend.
If, you know, if it's the weekend when you're reading this...
Okay bye!
-N.
(Do I look cooler just putting an initial as my signature. I saw someone do that and I was like, whoa, that's cool. Very executive.)
(Okay, bye for real!)
(Peace!)